Hit in the Head by a Brick.

I will never figure out how my old brain works.  Linking it to the functioning of the Magic Eight Ball is really quite accurate.  For the last few years, even before the worst day of my life, January 6th 2009, I was not my usual busy self.  I just seemed to mope around with no particualr direction.  Not like me at all.  I was usually working on one project or another.

The other day while walking Blade, I was feeling particular glum.  Feeling sorry for myself because of the fact that a portion of my life was coming to an end.  I was out of work, selling my beloved house.  You get the picture.  It was a beautiful winter's day.  The sun was shining, the snow was sparkling, and the temperture was just right.  I was mulling over the fact that I was particularly glum.  How could a person be glum on such a gorgeous day.  I felt useless, my life felt like it was over, I was not looking forward to anything. 

"What is wrong with Me?" I asked myself.  I have always looked forward to the future.  Seeing how life unfolded as time went on always made me feel hopeful and happy.  When had my view of life changed?
A brick hit me in the head.  Not a real one but a mental one.  The light bulb came on and I knew.

Many years ago, I had asked God for a favor.  I was 37 when my youngest son was born.  By the time he was old enough to take care of himself, I would be almost 60.  One night while rocking him to sleep, I asked God for a favor.  "Dear Lord," I asked "Please let me live long enough for to see my son reach adulthood and able to take care of himself.  Once that is done, you can take me home anytime.  That's all I ask, let me live long enough to see Jacob on his own."

Unbeknownst to me, I had limited my life span.  Not unlike a cancer patient who is told how long he has to live. Somewhere in my self conscious, I had pre-programmed the end of my life.  When Jake reached 18, something inside of me, turned me off.  I wasn't dead but I had ceased to really live. 

A great weight had been lifted from my shoulders.  The tiny flame of what had been Carol Elgie became a little brighter.  And so the journey begins.  With God's help, that flame will get brighter and brighter as I reclaim the person that I was.  Someone who faced what ever life threw at her as a challange to be overcome.  Someone for whom the idea of someone else taking care of her was distasteful. 

Time will tell whether I can jump start my life.  Whether I leave my beloved home and start a new life in Georgia in not the issue.  The issue is can I begin to participate in living again.  My physical and mental self have become weak with lack of use.  It will be like going to the gym.  I need to get my soul back to where I left off.  And that is exactly what I did.  I left my soul and retired from this life because somewhere in the back of my mind, when Jake turned 18, I retired. 

WELL, WORLD, CAROL IS COMING OUT OF RETIREMENT.

It will be interesting to see how my life changes, now that I realize it is not over.
.